ups & downs.

my stress levels have been at an all-time high lately. with my recent death of my grandpa, the man that i've looked up to since childhood, and beginning my career, september has been the busiest and most complicated month i've had in a long time.

saturday was my grandpa's memorial service. it was the hardest day of my life. i hand wrote the blog post that i wrote to my grandpa and read it aloud at his service. it took all of my being to not fall apart. thank god for my mom and sister who were standing right beside me. not only was it hard because of the loss of my grandpa, but being at his funeral brought back many of the memories of losing my grandma. as my mother stated in her letter to my grandpa, they were the only babysitters my sister and i ever knew. two of the greatest people i've ever known...gone. just being at my grandpa's house and knowing that it would all have to go away, the thousands of childhood memories that i had with my grandma and grandpa in that house, in that yard, in the garage, down the street by the river, at the neighbors.' toys we had played with years ago were still sitting where we left them.

being around my family that weekend, especially my cousins, brought back even more flashbacks. we're all growing up. we don't play tag anymore, or make forts in the front yard, or play house, or dress-up...we're all boring now. the things we used to do when grandpa was around are gone too.

i miss you grandpa, and i'm going to be just like you. i'm going to always find time to smile and joke around and make people laugh. i'm going to do everything i can to make you proud.

this brings me to stressor number 2...teaching. i was so excited to start student teaching. sure, i knew it was going to be a lot of work, but i knew i could handle it.

oh. my. god. i was so wrong.

7th graders are mean to the max. the girls are catty. the boys talk too much. and neither of them care what you have to say. at least that is what i thought after week one in my classroom. things have gotten substantially better, but i still semi-question my judgement when it comes to the career i've chosen.

you know, the one where i'll be basically making minimum wage for the number of hours teachers put in. the one that i'll be sacrificing all my time for, and will probably still have to have a second job in the summer to get by. the one that will have me working until i'm 90 because i won't make enough to retire...yeah...that one.

so even after all of this second-guessing, i am so excited to have my own classroom someday.

i'm not a fan of sharing one, but for my sake i won't get into that on here. OCD over here.

So, teaching + losing loved ones = the most stressful month of my life.

but i know grandpa's watching over me. giving me strength to go to school everyday and hear students say things like "ms. mckee, what's with all the white today?" or "i'm not going to do my homework." i know they'll appreciate me someday. :)

i do it everyday for you, grandpa. your old timer misses you so much, and thinks of you everyday.
♥ eden

p.s. i should mention that i do have some of the most evil children on the planet in my classes, but i also have some of the sweetest smartest ones too. no school is a utopia. ;)